THE WEEKEND PASS – AUGUST 15TH AND 16TH
The road to recovery.
Dr. Cashell tells me I can go home over Saturday night.
If that goes well I might be able to go home next week. Forever.
That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a long time.
I have become increasing bored on the Ward.
I can hardly get through the days here.
My four hour passes give me a taste of freedom and then take it away from me.
It’s back to pacing the halls and eating that food.
To think I used to find pacing a necessity for thinking. I enjoyed it!
My doctor says to have plans for the weekend. She must mean the opposite.
Some reverse psychology. Keeping me on my toes.
I tell her I just want to read the newspaper in my favourite chair. I’d be thrilled to.
That’s how much this place is irritating me.
I am however apprehensive about this weekend.
My thinking isn’t all straight.
I still think I might sleepwalk. Things seem planned in minor ways.
I’m not sure what to expect back at my apartment after five weeks.
Carla says one night isn’t really a weekend.
I’m challenged to ask Dr. Cashell to go home Friday night as well.
She finally agrees after trying to figure out the reason for my sudden change.
Back at the apartment things are so quiet and still. There are no people.
I have so much room to myself.
Quite different than being one of four in a room.
I am so restless and nervous.
I start one project and interrupt it for another. I can’t think straight.
I rent two movies: Steven Spielberg’s Always and Woody Allen’s Alice.
I thoroughly enjoy both of them but I keep stopping the tape to do things.
Sunday I go to the Metro Zoo with Mom.
We walk forever. I have such energy, like I have recently.
We go to the polar bears to see if they scare me, I can’t forget that polar bear hallucination.
I still want to hake connections and associations.
Mom isn’t aware why I’m fascinated with polar bears.
They just sleep in the sun. Nothing to be afraid of here.
I feel better there is no connection.
I am coming to realize it was all in my head and that makes me happy.
It is going to make sense after all.
We talk about Luke and that becomes very real.
The more details, the more real.
We walk and walk and we talk and talk.
By the end of the weekend I am not half as restless or nervous.
There weren’t any tricks or hoaxes waiting for you.
Even though you looked for them.
I’ve remembered all of my pills.
And most importantly I’ve read my weekend paper in my favourite leather chair.
Like a real ordinary person.